Shame Thrives in Secret: How to Move Past it with Compassion and Imagery Techniques

Shame. It’s a heavy emotion that many of us carry, often in silence. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, tells us that "shame thrives in secret." When we keep our shame hidden, it grows, isolating us and convincing us that we are unworthy of love and belonging. But the good news is that shame loses its power when we bring it into the light. By speaking out and practising self-compassion, we can break the cycle of shame and start to heal.

Shame is different from guilt. While guilt is the feeling that comes from doing something wrong, shame is the deep-seated belief that there is something wrong with who we are. It tells us that we’re not enough, that if people knew our true selves, they wouldn’t love us.

Secrecy is what allows shame to thrive. When we keep our shame hidden, it festers, making us feel more isolated and unworthy. The cycle continues as we hide more, and our shame grows stronger. But when we talk about our shame and share our experiences, we start to dismantle its power.

To overcome shame, we need to bring it out of hiding, challenge the narratives that fuel it, and meet it with compassion. Here are some simple yet powerful techniques that can help:

Compassionate Other Imagery: One effective way to counteract shame is to imagine a compassionate figure—a "Compassionate Other"—who embodies warmth, understanding, and unconditional acceptance. This figure could be a historical, spiritual figure, or even a character you create in your mind. Imagine what this compassionate figure looks and sounds like. Imagine them looking at you with kindness and understanding. Engage in a mental conversation with this figure. What would they say to you about your feelings of shame? How would they comfort you and remind you of your worth? Allow yourself to feel the compassion they offer, letting it soothe your shame and replace it with a sense of acceptance. This technique helps soften the harsh inner critic that often accompanies shame, replacing it with a kinder, more supportive voice.

Speak Out and Seek Support: Shame loses its power when we bring it into the open. Speaking to someone you trust—a friend, family member, or therapist—can be incredibly healing. Identify someone in your life who is empathetic and non-judgmental. Sharing your shame with others breaks the cycle of secrecy and isolation, and helps you realise that you are not alone in your struggles.

Self-Compassion Break: When shame strikes, a quick Self-Compassion Break (as outlined by Dr Kristin Neff) can help you regain balance and treat yourself with kindness. There are 3 steps to the process

1) Acknowledge the Shame: Notice the shameful feeling and name it. For example, “This is a moment of shame.”
2) Recognise Common Humanity: Remind yourself that you’re not alone. Everyone experiences shame at times. “Shame is part of being human.”
3) Offer Yourself Kindness: Place your hand on your heart or another comforting gesture, and speak to yourself kindly. “May I be kind to myself in this moment.”

This practice interrupts the cycle of self-criticism, helping you respond to shame with understanding rather than judgment.

Calm Place Imagery: This provides a mental refuge where you can retreat when overwhelmed by shame. Imagine a place where you feel completely calm and at ease. It could be a real or imagined place. Engage all your senses in this place—what do you see, hear, and feel? Spend a few moments fully experiencing the safety and calm. Return to this calm place whenever you need to feel grounded and secure. This technique offers a mental escape from intense emotions, helping you regain stability and reduce the power of shame. Read more about how to create a calm place in your mind.

Journaling for Shame Resilience: Writing about your experiences with shame can help you process your emotions and gain a healthier perspective. Set aside time to write about a recent experience where you felt shame. Describe what happened and how you felt. Challenge the narrative that shame is telling you. Is it realistic? Are there more compassionate perspectives you could take? Reframe the experience by focusing on what you’ve learned and how you can be kinder to yourself in the future. Journaling allows you to explore your feelings without judgment, helping you reframe shameful experiences in a more compassionate light.

Shame thrives in secret, but it can’t survive when it’s met with compassion and understanding. By speaking out, practising imagery techniques, and being kind to ourselves, we can break the cycle of shame and build deeper connections with ourselves and others. Remember, you’re not alone in your struggles—compassion and connection are key to healing.