How to manage comparing yourself to other people

When we interact with others or see what people post on social media, our inner critic can often rear its head and unleash a barrage of negative comparisons that make us feel inferior and inadequate. The usual responses to this inner turmoil involve either giving in to the negative narrative or engaging in destructive behaviour that aims to tear others down. While these strategies may offer short-term relief, they come at a great cost, hindering our personal growth and sabotaging potentially supportive relationships.

In addressing this problem, the key lies in recognising and understanding the comparison process rather than attempting to eliminate it. As I'm sure you've already worked out, simply stopping this comparison is near impossible; it is hard-wired into us.

Here are some practical strategies to help you navigate through self-esteem challenges:

Comparison spotting: The first step is to build awareness of your comparisons to others and understand what is happening in more detail. Take a moment to identify trigger situations, people, and environments where comparisons occur. Analyse your thoughts, feelings, and inner critic's voice during these situations. Recognise avoidance patterns and assess the impact of your responses on your well-being. If it's helpful, write down these trigger situations and what you noticed about them.

Identify patterns and connections: It can be helpful to reflect on how past experiences may influence present situations, which cause you to compare yourself to others, to identify patterns and connections. With this in mind, imagine responding to the current situation without the baggage of the past, focusing on kindness and understanding. What would be different? That moves us nicely on to the next strategy, establishing new behaviours.

Establishing new behaviours: Now you better understand how you respond in situations that lead to comparisons and an idea of how you might react if past experiences didn't influence you. So now you can consider new, more compassionate behaviours to practice regularly. Choose actions that challenge your comfort zone and stretch your habitual patterns, but make sure they are realistic. Make a goal related to the new behaviour you would like to do. So, for example, you and your friend, both passionate about fitness, decide to embark on a fitness challenge together. As you progress, they achieve their fitness goals more quickly than you do. In the past, you might have thought, "I knew I couldn't keep up with them. They have always been more disciplined and successful. I'm just not good enough. Why bother even trying? I should give up." Perhaps you would start avoiding workout sessions with them, make self-deprecating comments about your progress, and withdraw from the fitness challenge. Upon recognising the comparison trigger and acknowledging the inner critic's negative narrative, you decide on a new behaviour - to communicate with your friend about your feelings instead of succumbing to self-doubt. Share your admiration for their progress while expressing your challenges and asking for their support and guidance. After discussing your feelings, you focus on your personal goals, celebrate small victories, and remember that progress is unique for each person. As you implement the new behaviours you have decided upon, reflect on the process, noting difficulties, personal insights, and areas for growth.

Remember who you are and what you want: It's essential to separate yourself from others during moments of comparison. I know I've given myself a hard time because I'm not doing something my peers or friends are doing, getting caught up in the comparison. But when I step back, I often realise that I don't want that. They are them, and I am me. We are separate people with different goals, aspirations and values. What works for them may not work for me. And vice versa. So tune into your body and mind, take a few mindful breaths to reconnect with yourself, and ask yourself what you want, what is important to you, and what you need.

Reflect on what you are grateful for: When we are focused on what we don't have that others do, we create a chasm between where we are now and where we want to be. The bigger the chasm, the more emotional suffering we experience. Being grateful for what we have can help us want what we already have, eliminating that chasm that traps us in our suffering. Each day, note what you are grateful for that day. I use the Presently app on my phone to record my gratitudes and what has been good about my day. Other apps do a similar thing. You could also purchase a paper journal to write them in. I always like to do it at the end of the day; my app is set to remind me to do it at 9 pm. Cultivating a sense of gratitude can help minimise the comparisons we make. Still, research has also shown that a gratitude journal can help reduce the inner critic more generally, lift mood, reduce stress, and improve well-being in various ways.

Please remember that you are perfectly fine, just the way you are. The hardships you have faced, the comparisons you have made, and the ways you have learned to cope are all part of being human, and you should treat yourself with understanding and kindness. As you try new strategies for improving your life, remember that moving away from old habits is a commendable step in the right direction. It's time to leave the limitations of the past behind and embrace a more positive and fulfilling relationship with yourself.