Building Assertiveness: Strengthening Your Voice with Compassion and Hypnosis

Assertiveness is a vital skill for living a balanced and fulfilling life. It allows us to express our thoughts, needs, and feelings clearly while respecting the perspectives of others. Being assertive is not about being aggressive or domineering—it's about standing firm in your boundaries and values respectfully and confidently. When we practice assertiveness, we reduce stress, improve communication, and boost our self-esteem. Yet, for many, stepping into assertiveness can feel daunting.

I know this firsthand. At some points in my life, I didn't feel very assertive—when I wouldn't speak up or share my thoughts. Often, my needs weren't met because I stayed silent. Afterwards, I'd beat myself up, feeling frustrated and resentful. If only I had said something! This cycle of frustration and self-blame was hard to break, but it's where self-compassion became a lifeline. Assertiveness, like any skill, takes practice. It also helps to have a framework to work with—a way to remind yourself that your needs matter.

When helping clients become more assertive, I integrate Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with hypnosis. This holistic approach supports clients in building confidence, managing discomfort, challenging unhelpful thoughts, and creating lasting change. In this blog post, I will share how these approaches help foster a mindset where you can more readily assert yourself, in addition to a simple, easy-to-remember framework to use immediately.

What Assertiveness Is (and Isn't)
Many people equate assertiveness with being forceful or unkind, but this is a misconception. Assertiveness lies in the sweet spot between passivity and aggression. On one end of the spectrum, passivity leads to neglecting one's own needs, while aggression disregards the needs of others. Assertiveness is about balance—standing up for yourself while remaining respectful and considerate.

Research supports the value of assertiveness in fostering well-being. For instance, a study by Eslami et al. (2016) found that assertiveness training significantly reduced stress, anxiety, and depression. Assertiveness isn't about winning every interaction but maintaining self-respect and fostering healthy relationships.

A Compassionate Foundation for Assertiveness
Often, a lack of assertiveness stems from self-criticism or fear of judgment. Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) helps address these challenges by developing self-compassion—an inner voice that encourages rather than criticises. When you learn to approach yourself with kindness, asserting your needs without guilt or fear of rejection becomes easier.

Imagine having an inner coach who says, "It's okay to speak up. Your feelings matter." This compassionate perspective can transform how you approach challenging conversations. By softening self-criticism and nurturing confidence, you create a foundation for assertive communication that feels authentic and empowering.

Navigating Discomfort and Fear
For many, the fear of confrontation or rejection can feel overwhelming. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us to acknowledge discomfort rather than avoid it. Instead of steering clear of situations that require assertiveness, ACT encourages you to notice your emotions, accept them, and act in alignment with your values anyway.

A helpful ACT practice is "noticing and naming" emotions. For example, before having a difficult conversation, you might say to yourself: "I notice I'm feeling anxious. This is my body preparing for something important." Recognising these feelings with curiosity instead of judgment allows you to move forward with clarity and purpose.

Shifting Unhelpful Beliefs
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps identify and challenge the thoughts that prevent us from being assertive. For instance, you might believe, "If I say no, they won't like me" or "I don't want to cause a fuss." These beliefs can lead to patterns of people-pleasing, passivity, and resentment.

Through CBT, you can reframe these thoughts. Instead of thinking, "I'll upset them if I express my needs," try, "I have a right to share my feelings, and respectful people will understand." This mindset shift strengthens your confidence and supports healthier boundaries. Research by Üstün and Kocabaş (2020) highlights that assertiveness strongly correlates with self-esteem, showing how reframing beliefs can enhance your overall self-concept.

Visualising Assertiveness with Hypnosis
Hypnosis provides a powerful way to embed assertive behaviours whilst feeling deeply relaxed. During hypnosis, you can visualise yourself handling assertive situations calmly and confidently. This mental rehearsal makes these behaviours feel more natural and accessible.

For example, you might imagine saying no to an unreasonable request while remaining calm and firm. You might visualise a positive outcome where you feel respected and understood. Each hypnotic session reinforces your ability to communicate assertively and strengthens your sense of self-worth.

A Practical Framework for Assertive Communication
Assertiveness can feel more approachable with a clear framework to guide you. Here's a simple process to practice and build upon:

Listen and Acknowledge: Begin by listening to the other person's perspective without interruption. Summarise the situation factually and neutrally, avoiding emotionally charged language or assumptions. For example, "I understand you're worried about meeting this deadline."

State Your Thoughts and Feelings: Use "I" statements to clearly express your viewpoint and emotions without placing blame. This keeps the conversation constructive. For instance, "I feel stressed when last-minute changes come up."

Say What You Want to Happen: Clearly outline a solution or request, focusing on what you'd like moving forward. Be specific and constructive to encourage collaboration. For example, "It would help if we could finalise the schedule earlier to avoid last-minute pressure."

Set and Reinforce Boundaries: Assert your limits respectfully but firmly. If necessary, repeat your boundaries calmly and consistently. For instance, "I can't take on extra work this week, but I'm happy to revisit this next month."

Follow Up with Self-Compassion: After the conversation, reflect on your effort and treat yourself with kindness, even if the interaction wasn't perfect. Remind yourself that assertiveness is a skill you're practising, and progress is more important than perfection.

The examples in the framework primarily relate to workplace scenarios, emphasising the need for assertiveness in professional settings. However, assertiveness is just as crucial in all areas of life—personal relationships, social interactions, and even self-care. By practising assertiveness in various contexts, we can establish healthier boundaries, communicate more effectively, and foster greater well-being.

Assertiveness is not about instant perfection; it's about steady growth. With practice, you can learn to honour your needs and communicate confidently, even in challenging situations. By integrating self-compassion, acceptance, and cognitive tools with hypnosis, you can build an assertive identity that feels natural and empowering.

Some people come to see me purely to work on assertiveness, while for others, it's part of a broader issue they want to address. Either way, building assertiveness can positively impact your mental health and well-being in so many ways. If you're ready to strengthen your assertiveness and explore how hypnotherapy can support you, I'd love to help. Together, we can create a pathway to a more confident and empowered you.

References:
Eslami, S., Farhadi, Z., & Naseri, M. (2016). The effect of assertiveness training on self-esteem and depression. Archives of Rehabilitation, 17(3), 79-86.
Üstün, B., & Kocabaş, I. (2020). The role of cognitive beliefs on assertiveness. Psychological Reports, 126(3), 487-500.